A to Z: EAR FARM's favorite unlikely places to hear good music

Airplanes. Because I try to fly Jet Blue whenever possible, I very often find myself rocking out to the XM radio they offer at each seat. But some of the "adult" rock you'll hear as you're boarding and waiting to takeoff on certain other airlines is not exactly shabby either. I'm talking Styx and Gwen Stefani and Lionel Richie not long ago on a Delta flight. Giddyup!

Bathrooms. To me, there's almost nothing worse than a public restroom without a little extra non-human noise of some kind. Recently I heard Metallica in a men's room in a New York restaurant. No shit. And because it was Metallica, that's all I heard. Thank you James, Kirk, Lars, and Cliff.

Commercials. I know we all know it by now, but one of the best places to hear great new songs you've never heard before (or to hear old New Wave/Alt-rock favorites) is during certain commercials. Very often, car commercials. However, as much as I love hearing songs by bands I love on TV, I definitely miss old-school jingles. The only recent one I can remember loving was that one for Skippy Snack Bars. That shit was hott!

Dentist office. Last time I was at my dentist's office, I heard "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin, "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" by Van Halen, and "That Smell" by Lynrd Skynrd. Hey, two out of three ain't bad.

Elevators. A major complaint of mine is the serious lack of music in New York's elevators. However, from time to time I find myself in an elevator with music that makes me smile. Most recently: a muzak version of the Buzzcocks in a building downtown on 6th ave.

Filling station. Can I use this term? Well I'm going to, for two reasons. One: I heard some kick ass Leo Sayer while filling up at a "gas station" in California recently. Two: I think people should return to using the terms 'motor vehicles', 'automobiles', 'rumble seat', and 'filling stations'. Terms like these make our national oil addiction seem a tad less severe and even a bit more friendly, don't you think? Tell you what's definitely friendly - hearing "More Than I Can Say" while you pump fuel into your jalopy.

Guitar stores. WTF, Guitar stores? Those horrifying menageries of 10 idiots trying to play "show-off riffs" as they test out guitars and amps, all at the same time? I know, right? But I'll tell you what - like two years ago I was at Guitar Center and I heard the most amazingly spot-on version of the solo in the song "Wasted Years" by Iron Maiden. It was just some long hair testing out a guitar in the store, but he'd drawn an audience. Because he ruled.

Hold music on the phone. You know, there are actually some good ones out there... my consistent favorite being this one business I have to call for work that always plays Peter Gabriel. Always. Not that I'm a huge fan or anything, but jamming out to "Sledgehammer" while waiting on the phone isn't exactly torture. Okay, to me it isn't.

In your head. It's not always the most annoying songs that get stuck in your head, is it? Aw, come on. You have to learn to go with it sometimes! I woke up singing "Zombie" by The Cranberries on New Year's Day and I loved it. At first. Until "in your head" kept repeating over and over in my head, nearly causing my brain to short circuit.

Jukebox in a crappy bar that surprisingly, and thankfully, has a good selection. This'll happen from time to time if you let it. What I mean is, go and check out the jukebox every time you're in a new bar. Sometimes you'll be surprised at what you might find. Hey, you might even surprise the people in the bar by picking the one Iggy Pop record they have buried amongst a slew of '90s pop-country.

Kinky sex toy shops. Not that any of us would really know what kind of music can be heard in such places... I’m just sayin'. I bet it's dirty, hot, sleazy, and awesome. It should be at least.

Lead-in music on talk radio shows. Or, "bumper music". But I needed one for "L". Anyway, I listen to a lot of talk radio, so this is always a favorite place of mine to hear a pleasant surprise song.

MTV. Seriously, there's music on this channel sometimes. No, I mean good music. Listen for it in the background of their shitty reality shows. I like to imagine that the three people who are left at MTV who have good taste in music are actually locked up in a dungeon in the basement and the little snippets of good music you'll hear from time to time within their regular programming are like tiny S.O.S. distress calls asking for us to help free them from their corporate captors. I have an active imagination.

Next door neighbor. When I moved into my first "alone apartment", how did I know my neighbor and I were going to be friends? Because I put up a Smiths flag on my first night there as I finished moving in the last few boxes of stuff. I hit 'play' on the final album by The Smiths and opened my window - not too loud, but loud enough. In no time my neighbor was at the door. "STRANGEWAYS!" he exclaimed. We were fast friends.

Online. Right? I mean, sure it's not super unlikely that you'll find good music online, but then again sometimes I'm surprised at just where it can be found. For example, on Friday Pitchfork actually posted good music they've never talked about before. Quelle shock!

Public transportation. Last month I listened to three MIA songs on the subway. The funny thing: I had no ipod that day. But thankfully the girl next to me did, and apparently didn't have much in the way of hearing either.

Quotidian places; meaning just about any old average place, once you're of a certain age and people of your generation are suddenly the ones calling the shots. I've noticed this more and more and I'm always reminded of that awesome/terrible commercial from the '80s. Freedom Rock. It's what I feel like whenever I hear music I grew up with in what used to be the most unlikely of places. Watching an NFL playoff game this past weekend I heard a Depeche Mode song followed by a Talking Heads song. Depeche Mode and football?!

Restaurants. If you go to a restaurant that has a clue, these can be a fantastic place for hearing good music. My two neighborhood favorites are Momofuku and The Mermaid Inn.

Supermarket. Yesterday mine played Beastie Boys, The Beatles, Beck, and Belle And Sebastian. I plan on returning on the 17th, at which point I'll be hoping to hear some Morphine, Morrissey, and My Morning Jacket.

Taxis. Recently I've heard Django Reinhardt, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, and Rachmaninov in various NYC taxis. Often I hear Pakistani music that flat out rocks. All I'm saying is give the music a chance before putting on those headphones and your "leave me the shit alone" face.

Urban greeting cards. Serious. No, really - see?

Video Games. Not just Guitar Hero and Rock Band, but games such as the Tony Hawk series, Grand Theft Auto, and a variety of sports games have literally redefined the musical landscape by making video game music a top arena for the dispersal of good music.

Work. I don't know about you, but I've discovered some mighty fine music by being forced to listen to what a coworker wanted to listen to.

Xmas parties. I was at this one Christmas party and they were playing the best music! It was a mix of music done by some website or blog or something. I think it was called EAR FARM's All I Want For Christmas Is Music Mix. Yeah.

Your parents' house. Okay, I don't mean the times that you walk in on your parents grooving to Andrea Bocelli (not that there's anything wrong with him), I mean times such as when you find yourself back at home for a holiday and your mom is rocking out to "LoveStoned" by Justin Timberlake. And you're so happy to see that you're not the only one in your immediate family who is shamelessly in love with JT.

At a Zoo. I'm serious. Back me up zoos in Minnesota, Albuquerque, and Sacramento. But I wonder how the animals feel? Historically they don't really care, but I beg to differ. My cat, for one, loves Britpop and Gangsta Rap. What can I say? He's stuck in the '90s.

A to Z: EAR FARM live show pet hates

Audience members clapping along with a song. Look people, it never works out. Ever. Understand this and resist the urge to join in when others start clapping. In fact, when someone next to you starts clapping along (even if the band seems to want clapping), look at them like they're ruining the concert by doing what they're doing. Because they are.

Bloggers. What else do I have to say? They (meaning we) have this certain air about them (us)... a holier-than-thou mixed with superfan mixed with uber-nerd mixed with stalker kind of vibe... that makes me wonder when, not if, a couple of music bloggers are going to up and go all King of Comedy on some unsuspecting member of Cold War Kids.

Camera phones. Cameras are bad enough, and yes in that regard I'm part of the problem sometimes, but camera phones are like little hate-me beacons that everyone in the audience has at their disposal and has no problem holding up thus destroying the view for minutes at a time. Don't you know that that picture is going to suck anyway?

Douche bags who yell out "insider-like" things to the band in between songs. Hi, I've done this. It's awful. I'm sorry.

Expensive beer. I'm a realist, but seriously. The more beer the audience drinks the better the show is going to be. So why doesn't each venue have a super cheap beer option? I'm thinking the lowest priced beer should be two to three dollars. It doesn't really even matter what this cheap beer tastes like. It's a rock show. Why was the cheapest beer (Coors) at Hammerstein $6 for 12 ounces?? Stupid and greedy.

False endings to songs. I don't really hate false endings in songs, I love them. I just hate what they do to people in a live setting. Nothing makes the casual fan more immediately embarrassed than to be one of very few who applauded too early, before the real end of the song. And nothing makes those 'superfans' more smug than to sit on their hands until the false ending has passed. It's at this point that they proceed to clap even louder, as if to say "see? I know this song SO well!"

Girls who climb onto shoulders. I know you couldn't see very well, and that stinks. And hey - bravo to you for being resourceful enough to have come to the show with a big strong guy. BUT. But, you have to know one of the fundamental unwritten laws of concerts. I think it's known as the Mötley Crüe Addendum. It states that "any girl who climbs onto shoulders, thus blocking the view for a massive amount of audience members, must remove her shirt while screaming and yelling and turning around to give everyone in the audience a clear view of her bare breasts." Piggish I know, but I didn't invent these rules. You can always avoid having to Mardi Gras it up by, oh I don't know, NOT climbing onto shoulders.

Heat. July and August are the hottest months in our part of the world. Everyone knows this, right? So then WHY do people consistently schedule outdoor concerts/festivals for these two months rather than, say, April or October? Here's a guideline for would-be festival schedulers: if you have to have an area dedicated to spraying water on people so they don't die from heat exhaustion then it's TOO HOT FOR A CONCERT.

Insanely early starting times for headliners. This happens a lot at clubs that like to double up on their weekend dollar. See Webster Hall for example. They'll schedule a big name band on a Saturday night and have them start at 7:30 just so they can clear everyone out and bring in the dance crowd. Ugh. Concerts should not start before 9pm.

Jack asses who stand there the entire time with their arms folded. It's music. Hello? No, I mean it's MUSIC. So let it move you fucker. Stop standing there like you're looking at art at a museum. I hate you. If the music does nothing more than inspire you to stand there like a snob, how about you do us all a favor and just leave.

Knowing the stage banter of the band. Don't bands understand that a good number of their fans will come to each show when they play multiple nights in one city? Hearing the same setlist twice in a row is pretty bad. Hearing the band tell the same terrible jokes, go through the same lame schtick, well that's just appalling.

Lead singer induced singalongs and/or clapping. Man this sucks. I don't know if it's because they're too tired/lazy to sing the well known chorus again and again, or if it's simply an ego inflating device, but it rarely works out well. And when it fails, well, the audience ends up butchering what is usually one of the better songs in the band's catalog.

Music that's played before the show. It should be so easy. The pre-show music should be good and set the mood. Too often it sucks, or is something "obscure" for the sake of being obscure. Blah.

Not starting anywhere near when the show should. Nothing kills audience enthusiasm more than having to wait 45 minutes to a few hours longer than expected for a headlining band. Yes, the time on the ticket is meaningless, but we all have an idea, give or take 20 minutes, of when the show is supposed to start. Not starting within half an hour of this time is inexcusable.

Opening bands that aren't worth a damn. Hello booking agents and talent buyers. I know some bands might be too insecure to let you book a really good opening band, but I don't think that's the real problem. You're the real problem. Wake up and start pairing well-matched GOOD opening bands with your headliners. Everyone will be happier for it.

People who touch, or grope, just because they feel safe in a large crowd. I've seen this done to girls quite a few times at shows. I've even encountered it myself once before. You know what I'm talking about. It's really crowded, people are moving with the music and bumping into each other, then suddenly hands start grabbing, touching, and feeling. NOT okay.

Quieting efforts done by self righteous fans during shitty slow songs. "Shhh." Awesome. That's what I wanted to hear at a rock show. You telling me to be quiet. No really. Give me that 'evil eye' again. It's making me want to stop telling my friend how horrible this slow song is. I swear.

Really loud talkers. "Blah blah I SAW THIS BAND FOUR TIMES blah blah MY GOLF GAME IS GETTING BETTER blah blah THIS SLOW SONG SUCKS blah blah..." Hey you. Yeah you, you loud fucknut. Why don't you shut up and stand in the way back, yeah?

Short bitches who complain about "tall dudes". First rule of going to a general admission show: get there early to guarantee the spot you want. If you're short, find a way to weasel past the taller people who are in your way. But do NOT come up behind me after I've been standing there for 35 minutes and complain about biology. There's nothing I hate more than this. Actually - that's not true. Even worse is when I've been in a spot for a very long time only to have to go to the bathroom or bar and then when I return the wankers behind me start bitching and... Ugh. I could go on and on.

Tall dudes. I'm one. Let me speak from my point of view. When I go to a show I'm extremely well aware of the fact that I'm 6'5" plus in my boots. Because of this I do what I can to stand against a wall or column, or off to the side of the stage. I always make sure to not walk up and stand in front of people shorter than me. If there's a guy taller than me nearby I'll stand next to/behind him so as to minimize the tall dudeness of my general area. I'm very accommodating with people behind me if they'd like to get in front of me to have a better view and I slouch so that I'm quite a few inches shorter at shows than I really am. This is uncomfortable - I'm trying to be considerate. All of that being the case, if you're a tall person and you don't do these things when you're at a concert then you're part of the problem.

Umbrellas at outdoor concerts. Whether for blocking the rain or sun, these towers of self-importance have NO place at a live show.

VIP seating. Nothing makes people more entitled than being allowed into the VIP area. You've seen them. Sitting there at their tables all smug like first-class passengers on an airplane. I'll tell you, it's even worse on the inside of these VIP zones. With everyone subtly, sometimes not so subtly, jockeying for prominence... wearing a certain air that states "I know the band, and I'm important." Disgusting.

Waiting forever to go to the bathroom so as not to lose your place. This can be so painful. But you just know that the jerk behind you is going to steal your place as soon as you move. Agony!

Xenophobes who are at shows alone and stare hatefully at your group the entire time as if you're a jerk just for going to a show, and having fun, with your friends. Enough said.

You. You know who I mean. YOU. The three asshats in the fourth row who can't seem to stop talking to each other the entire time. Move to the back. The two girls to my right with the squeaky voices - STOP singing "every" word to every song. Oh and by the way, you DON'T EVEN KNOW the actual lyrics.

Zenlike levels of patience required to deal with the overcrowded bar in between sets. Most places don't have enough bars or bartenders. It's blatantly obvious. I know the barkeeps want to earn tons of cash, and that's why there's one bartender per 300 people, but it doesn't make for a fun time to have to Indian balance and push wrestle your way around people just to wait for 20 minutes to get the chance to spend $7 on one plastic cup of beer. It's annoying.