A to Z: EAR FARM live show pet hates

Audience members clapping along with a song. Look people, it never works out. Ever. Understand this and resist the urge to join in when others start clapping. In fact, when someone next to you starts clapping along (even if the band seems to want clapping), look at them like they're ruining the concert by doing what they're doing. Because they are.

Bloggers. What else do I have to say? They (meaning we) have this certain air about them (us)... a holier-than-thou mixed with superfan mixed with uber-nerd mixed with stalker kind of vibe... that makes me wonder when, not if, a couple of music bloggers are going to up and go all King of Comedy on some unsuspecting member of Cold War Kids.

Camera phones. Cameras are bad enough, and yes in that regard I'm part of the problem sometimes, but camera phones are like little hate-me beacons that everyone in the audience has at their disposal and has no problem holding up thus destroying the view for minutes at a time. Don't you know that that picture is going to suck anyway?

Douche bags who yell out "insider-like" things to the band in between songs. Hi, I've done this. It's awful. I'm sorry.

Expensive beer. I'm a realist, but seriously. The more beer the audience drinks the better the show is going to be. So why doesn't each venue have a super cheap beer option? I'm thinking the lowest priced beer should be two to three dollars. It doesn't really even matter what this cheap beer tastes like. It's a rock show. Why was the cheapest beer (Coors) at Hammerstein $6 for 12 ounces?? Stupid and greedy.

False endings to songs. I don't really hate false endings in songs, I love them. I just hate what they do to people in a live setting. Nothing makes the casual fan more immediately embarrassed than to be one of very few who applauded too early, before the real end of the song. And nothing makes those 'superfans' more smug than to sit on their hands until the false ending has passed. It's at this point that they proceed to clap even louder, as if to say "see? I know this song SO well!"

Girls who climb onto shoulders. I know you couldn't see very well, and that stinks. And hey - bravo to you for being resourceful enough to have come to the show with a big strong guy. BUT. But, you have to know one of the fundamental unwritten laws of concerts. I think it's known as the Mötley Crüe Addendum. It states that "any girl who climbs onto shoulders, thus blocking the view for a massive amount of audience members, must remove her shirt while screaming and yelling and turning around to give everyone in the audience a clear view of her bare breasts." Piggish I know, but I didn't invent these rules. You can always avoid having to Mardi Gras it up by, oh I don't know, NOT climbing onto shoulders.

Heat. July and August are the hottest months in our part of the world. Everyone knows this, right? So then WHY do people consistently schedule outdoor concerts/festivals for these two months rather than, say, April or October? Here's a guideline for would-be festival schedulers: if you have to have an area dedicated to spraying water on people so they don't die from heat exhaustion then it's TOO HOT FOR A CONCERT.

Insanely early starting times for headliners. This happens a lot at clubs that like to double up on their weekend dollar. See Webster Hall for example. They'll schedule a big name band on a Saturday night and have them start at 7:30 just so they can clear everyone out and bring in the dance crowd. Ugh. Concerts should not start before 9pm.

Jack asses who stand there the entire time with their arms folded. It's music. Hello? No, I mean it's MUSIC. So let it move you fucker. Stop standing there like you're looking at art at a museum. I hate you. If the music does nothing more than inspire you to stand there like a snob, how about you do us all a favor and just leave.

Knowing the stage banter of the band. Don't bands understand that a good number of their fans will come to each show when they play multiple nights in one city? Hearing the same setlist twice in a row is pretty bad. Hearing the band tell the same terrible jokes, go through the same lame schtick, well that's just appalling.

Lead singer induced singalongs and/or clapping. Man this sucks. I don't know if it's because they're too tired/lazy to sing the well known chorus again and again, or if it's simply an ego inflating device, but it rarely works out well. And when it fails, well, the audience ends up butchering what is usually one of the better songs in the band's catalog.

Music that's played before the show. It should be so easy. The pre-show music should be good and set the mood. Too often it sucks, or is something "obscure" for the sake of being obscure. Blah.

Not starting anywhere near when the show should. Nothing kills audience enthusiasm more than having to wait 45 minutes to a few hours longer than expected for a headlining band. Yes, the time on the ticket is meaningless, but we all have an idea, give or take 20 minutes, of when the show is supposed to start. Not starting within half an hour of this time is inexcusable.

Opening bands that aren't worth a damn. Hello booking agents and talent buyers. I know some bands might be too insecure to let you book a really good opening band, but I don't think that's the real problem. You're the real problem. Wake up and start pairing well-matched GOOD opening bands with your headliners. Everyone will be happier for it.

People who touch, or grope, just because they feel safe in a large crowd. I've seen this done to girls quite a few times at shows. I've even encountered it myself once before. You know what I'm talking about. It's really crowded, people are moving with the music and bumping into each other, then suddenly hands start grabbing, touching, and feeling. NOT okay.

Quieting efforts done by self righteous fans during shitty slow songs. "Shhh." Awesome. That's what I wanted to hear at a rock show. You telling me to be quiet. No really. Give me that 'evil eye' again. It's making me want to stop telling my friend how horrible this slow song is. I swear.

Really loud talkers. "Blah blah I SAW THIS BAND FOUR TIMES blah blah MY GOLF GAME IS GETTING BETTER blah blah THIS SLOW SONG SUCKS blah blah..." Hey you. Yeah you, you loud fucknut. Why don't you shut up and stand in the way back, yeah?

Short bitches who complain about "tall dudes". First rule of going to a general admission show: get there early to guarantee the spot you want. If you're short, find a way to weasel past the taller people who are in your way. But do NOT come up behind me after I've been standing there for 35 minutes and complain about biology. There's nothing I hate more than this. Actually - that's not true. Even worse is when I've been in a spot for a very long time only to have to go to the bathroom or bar and then when I return the wankers behind me start bitching and... Ugh. I could go on and on.

Tall dudes. I'm one. Let me speak from my point of view. When I go to a show I'm extremely well aware of the fact that I'm 6'5" plus in my boots. Because of this I do what I can to stand against a wall or column, or off to the side of the stage. I always make sure to not walk up and stand in front of people shorter than me. If there's a guy taller than me nearby I'll stand next to/behind him so as to minimize the tall dudeness of my general area. I'm very accommodating with people behind me if they'd like to get in front of me to have a better view and I slouch so that I'm quite a few inches shorter at shows than I really am. This is uncomfortable - I'm trying to be considerate. All of that being the case, if you're a tall person and you don't do these things when you're at a concert then you're part of the problem.

Umbrellas at outdoor concerts. Whether for blocking the rain or sun, these towers of self-importance have NO place at a live show.

VIP seating. Nothing makes people more entitled than being allowed into the VIP area. You've seen them. Sitting there at their tables all smug like first-class passengers on an airplane. I'll tell you, it's even worse on the inside of these VIP zones. With everyone subtly, sometimes not so subtly, jockeying for prominence... wearing a certain air that states "I know the band, and I'm important." Disgusting.

Waiting forever to go to the bathroom so as not to lose your place. This can be so painful. But you just know that the jerk behind you is going to steal your place as soon as you move. Agony!

Xenophobes who are at shows alone and stare hatefully at your group the entire time as if you're a jerk just for going to a show, and having fun, with your friends. Enough said.

You. You know who I mean. YOU. The three asshats in the fourth row who can't seem to stop talking to each other the entire time. Move to the back. The two girls to my right with the squeaky voices - STOP singing "every" word to every song. Oh and by the way, you DON'T EVEN KNOW the actual lyrics.

Zenlike levels of patience required to deal with the overcrowded bar in between sets. Most places don't have enough bars or bartenders. It's blatantly obvious. I know the barkeeps want to earn tons of cash, and that's why there's one bartender per 300 people, but it doesn't make for a fun time to have to Indian balance and push wrestle your way around people just to wait for 20 minutes to get the chance to spend $7 on one plastic cup of beer. It's annoying.