"Southpaw" by Morrissey which clocks in at 10:01
Do you hear that sound Morrissey? The sound I just linked to there. Yeah, that one. No, you have to go to that link and then press play within the link. Oh come on, I know you can do it. Just move the cursor to the little button that looks like an arrow and click that. UGH. Make sure the volume on your computer is turned up and then do it again. Got it? Okay good. YEAH. So, THAT sound. Hear it? The sound of sizzling meat. Disgusting right? Well that's the sound of me breaking up with you. Finally.
Look, it can't be like you weren't expecting it at this point. I mean, look at what I've given to you over the years and then compare that with what you've given me. No seriously. How have I loved you?
Let's count the ways:
And how have you loved me? When you announced recently that you were canceling part of the 2007 tour because of illness, I saw the writing on the wall. I knew what was next, still I clinged. I'd been through this before, back in the beginning, but this was different. Right? I mean, that was Chapel Hill, NC and this was New York City. And surely you'd matured since those days anyway, right? No way you'd cancel this show, right? I knew it was over, still I clinged. Then came the news: "due to illness, the Morrissey concert performance originally scheduled for Saturday, June 30, 2007 at Madison Square Garden has been rescheduled". And then, a week later, the nail in the coffin of my hopes to see my dear old Morrissey: "the Morrissey concert originally scheduled for June 30, 2007 at Madison Square Garden, which had previously been postponed due to illness, has been cancelled." Seriously? After all I've done for you? Fine then. It's so over.
I've owned every album The Smiths released, and every album you've released as Morrissey - including some hastily put together greatest hits collections, just because I'm a completist - on each and every format they were released (yes, I even have things like that French-only release of The Loop). That means vinyl LP, cassette, CD, and even a few digital downloads to replace scratched CDs. Check your wallet - you're welcome. The same is true of singles put out by both The Smiths and Morrissey - and I even own most of these on both 7" and 12" and have cassingles as well. Cha-ching. I've got any and all official DVD and VHS releases. And I've bought (at least) Hulmerist and The Complete Picture multiple times. Sure, you could say that I paid part of the mortgage on that L.A. house you used to own. I've long known every lyric you've sung and sold, including some not meant to ever see the light of day and some I wish hadn't. This fey bookish music nerddom used to allow me to have online conversations with others like me using only your lyrics. What? Cut me some slack Jack. It was 1994, I didn't know what the world wide web was meant for, and I was just happy to find others like me out there. The very first time I attempted to see you in concert (Chapel Hill, 1991) you cancelled shortly before the show. I had 5th row seats. I had to wait seven years for you to come back to North Carolina; and when you did, you asked "where am I again?" on stage. I let it all slide. Since then I've paid a ridiculous amount of money to see your live show nine other times. You're welcome. In 1998 I formed and performed in a Smiths cover band. Not sure that this really was of any direct benefit to you, but I just thought I should mention it. I mean, hey, at one time I'd have said without question that I was the best Morrissey wannabe vocalist out there. Guess I emulated your arrogance too... In 2000 I made a pilgrimage to Manchester to see your hometown with my own eyes. To be frank, I liked seeing the Factory records related sites more than the Morrissey ones. I know I never mentioned it until now, but it's true. Twice I've given up eating meat, for years at a time. Sure, this has less to do with you than it does my own personal beliefs, but that's not the point. Oh, and I've owned an uncountable number of Morrissey and Smiths t-shirts, posters, and other assorted paraphernalia. And I used to dress like you and wear my hair like you and tell everyone who liked good music that they should listen to The Smiths. The Smiths has been announced as "my favorite band" anytime someone has asked during the past seventeen years. For the better part of, nay for the entirety of, the '90s I was a walking talking Morrissey and Smiths advert. You see how "legendary" you've become since I first started listening to your music?? Again, you're welcome. More than once I've attended "birthday" parties for you and celebrated the 22nd of May as special day. Even though I didn't really care for your most recent record, and even though I was sure at the time that the venue was too large and you'd not fill it up very well, I bought extremely expensive tickets to see you at Madison Square Garden. It's how things have always worked between us. I see any Morrissey or Smiths related (purchasable) item and I buy it. As soon as is possible, the day it goes on sale. Well Mister - this ends now. How soon is now? NOW now.
You still hold a greedy grace and I, I don't know where else I can go. We tried, we failed. We tried and we failed. We tried and we failed, we tried and we failed, we tried... GOD. Look at me. I swore I wouldn't let it come to me quoting you to tell you how the way you once felt now describes how I feel. I promised myself! Keep it together, keep it together, keepittogether, keepittogether. Deep breath. Okay. Right. I'm done with you. That's all, bye.
Oh and PS - I ate a cheeseburger today. Deal with it.
*cover art from HERE
Buy Southpaw Grammar HERE on Amazon.
EAR FARM's 8+ is a weekly feature that showcases songs longer than 8 minutes. In the recent past these songs were featured on EF's 8+:
Mastodon - "Hearts Alive"
Frog Eyes - "Bushels"
Slint - "Washer"
Martin Eagle Trio - "The Hipster"
Battles - "Rainbow"
Nirvana - "Scentless Apprentice"
Jesu - "Weightless and Horizontal"
Nuh Uh - "This Is Embarrassing"
To see a full list of every song featured in EAR FARM's 8+ click HERE.