16 August 2007


"Seductive Barry" by Pulp which clocks in at 8:31

I was listening to this song and it got me thinking. I started wondering about someone who might be known by the name "Seductive Barry". What's this Barry like? He probably has a huge smile full of overly-whitened teeth, and smells strongly of cheap musk, and Scotch. With really hairy arms and gold jewelry. Obviously. But what else? I imagined he probably looked something like the guy from the cover of the "A Little Soul" single (see the photo above, found HERE), most likely wears beige suits, and definitely speaks in breathy whispers. Then I started thinking about his resume. His curriculum vitae. But not one meant for finding employment; no, one meant strictly for landing the ladies. Then, I realized (rather quickly) that this imaginary resume could potentially be comprised solely of lyrics from Pulp songs. So I made it. I made Seductive Barry's dating resume, just for fun.

Barry Seductore
182 Stanhope Road
DA10 0AZ, UK
09322 423032

Seeking a position in your life, for a night. In your bed, between the sheets. You see, you should take me seriously. Very seriously indeed. Cause I've been sleeping with your wife for the past sixteen weeks. Smoking your cigarettes, drinking your brandy, messing up the bed you chose together... And in all that time I just wanted you to come home unexpectedly one afternoon and catch us at it in the front room.

Summary of Qualifications
• I just happen to have got what you need, just exactly what you need.
• Raised on a diet of broken biscuits.
• I don't care if you screw him, just as long as you save a piece for me.
• I'll hold your body and make it sing again.
• My bed has seen it all, from the first time to the last. The silences of now, and the good times of the past.
• I'll be around when he's not in town, I'll show you how you're doing it wrong.
• I really love it when you tell me to stop.
• I'll read a story if it helps you sleep at night.
• I will light your cigarette with a star that has fallen from the sky.

Professional Experience
2004-Present: 59 Lyndhurst Grove, London, W11 - Spy
• I spy for a living. And I specialise in revenge.
• Laid here with the advertising sliding past my eyes like cartoons from other peoples lives.
• Wanted you for years, I only needed the balls to admit it.

2002-2004: Razzmatazz, London, SE1 - Sales Clerk
• Composed my own critical notices in my head.
• Kissed your Mother twice, worked on your Dad.
• Had one, two, three, four shots of happiness.
• Wore my trenchcoat and stayed out every single night.
• Changed so much since then... Oh yeah, I've grown.

1998-2002: Bar Italia, London, WC2 - Bartender
• Drinking every night just so I could feel alright, stayed in bed all day to feel okay. I felt okay.
• I tried hard to make it work, kissed her where she said it hurt, but I was always underneath.
• Imagined a blue plaque above the place I first ever touched a girl's breasts.
• I did these things just so I'd survive. And you know I did survive.

1996-1998: Boats And Trains, Sheffield, England - Sales Clerk
• Ninety-seven lovers twisted out of shape and just one kiss could set them straight.
• Jesus, it must be great... to be straight.
• I did experiments with substances, but all it did was make me ill.
• I didn't die, I carried on.

1998-2002: Central Saint Martins College, Holborn, WC1
• studied sculpture
• laid in bed at night watching roaches climb the wall
1994-1998: The City School, Sheffield, England
• learned to drink & I learned to smoke & I learned to tell a dirty joke
• got your numbers, taken notes, and all the ways your minds work out - I studied

Computer Skills / Training
Apple OS(e)X, Windows(e)XP - nudge nudge, wink wink.

Buy This is Hardcore HERE on Amazon or HERE on iTunes.

EAR FARM's 8+ is a weekly feature that showcases songs longer than 8 minutes. In the recent past these songs were featured on EF's 8+:
Pelican - "March to the Sea"
Jerry Garcia, David Grisman, and Tony Rice - "Guitar Space/Summertime"
Boris - "Flood"
Vieux Farka Touré - "Diabaté"
Morrissey - "Southpaw"
Mastodon - "Hearts Alive"
Frog Eyes - "Bushels"
Slint - "Washer"

To see a full list of every song featured in EAR FARM's 8+ click HERE.


Charlie said...

Holy balls, I was already convulsing from the cleverness from that awesome post and then I got to the computer skills, and I fell on the floor in a seizure of giggles. That's the last time I try to read 8+ without all of my limbs securely fastened to solid objects.

Your pal and confidant,
Nerd Litter.

Jonathan said...

Can you please write my resumé?

Anonymous said...

a collage of lyrics

clodia said...

This is hilarious.

Michael said...

Very cool indeed. Jarvis should be proud.

tim said...

seductive barry had some education. sounds a little like my college experience...

Mis-shape said...

Your blog came up when I googled "raised on a diet of broken biscuits". I am amused. Thanks!

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