09 January 2008

Craigslist: The Funny/Ugly Side to Starting a Band

Yesterday we dropped a bit of history, listing all that has rocked January 8th over the last 70-odd years. While I was busy chronicling the past, however, could it be that future rock history was being made on this very day? That disparate forces as far away as Yonkers and Long Island wielding chops that "don't suck" would finally find their musical kindred spirits? That all this could be accomplished simply by listing bands they like and demanding that their future soul mates also "not suck"? That CRAIGSLIST would be the cosmic force to unite such wandering souls? Could it be?

After all, New York remains a city of dreams, a place where anything is possible and even the shy singer-songwriter from Jersey can finally become somebody just by dancing on top of a bar. The seeds that will one day blossom into the future of rock may indeed be lying in wait in yesterday's craigslist postings, so let's have a look...

For starters, the best classified from yesterday is from this angry young man, no contest:

DO YOU WANT TO BE THE SINGER IN A BAND LIKE FALL-OUT BOY?
Reply to: comm-532593854@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-08, 3:08PM EST

Then I hope you fall-out an 11-story window into on-coming traffic.

You think you're a vocalist? No you're not. You're just some whiney infantile emo clown.

Who told you you had talent? They should bathe in gasoline and light a match.

Its trailer trash posers like you that prevent my band from finding a real lead singer.

This guy is actually pretty clever. He's essentially applying the meathead pickup mind tricks of The Game to the somewhat related realm of finding a bandmate, insulting us and breaking us down until we have no choice but to renounce our love of Pete Wentz and prove that we too are tough men. Who can sing. And don't live in a trailer.

It also points to a broader trend in yesterday's classifieds: hatred of emo as a unifying force....

looking for a drummer that doesnt suck
Reply to: comm-532049967@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-08, 1:05AM EST

Experimental/drug rock/noisy-ear-fuck/punk/anti-pop/hardcore/kickass band looking for a drummer that isn't a pussy. If you can beat the skins like they're some whiny little emo kid then you're right up our alley.. absolutely NO: cover songs, pre-conceived notions of music, or $70 fashionable haircuts specially designed to cover one of your eyes so you look "mysterious" or "brooding". If you're in it for the money and not for the music then we're not for you.. Some influences include nirvana, dinosaur jr., stepkings, etc etc..

Tantalizing, yes? Of course, another key to finding that missing piece of the not-sucking puzzle is by posting a catchy headline. Among yesterday's personal favorites:

WHERE ARE YOU, PERCUSSION WIZARD?

(I'm on my way to the Middle Earth Internet cafe, hang tight)

Band Looking To Hire Long Hair Drummer.

(Because we all know how shitty Stewart Copeland, Neil Peart, Jim Eno, Greg Saunier and Glenn Kotche are)

GOOD LOOKING POP SINGER AND MUSICIANS FOR TV,TOURS (Midtown)

(Most likely sent from loupearlman@bigpoppa.com)

SEX-PASSION-POWER-JOY! ROCK WARRIORS:WHY DO YOU ROCK?

(Note: this headline led me to the above picture and I have to admit, this band's enthusiasm is incredible)

Finally, a catchy headline and a list of bands that you like can only get you so far. Evocative words and phrases are really where it's at, whether describing your voice as "throaty" and "whisky soaked," your preferred style of play as "scumrock" or when all else fails, just coming right out and saying, "Lets get on stage like iggy pop, cut ourselves with glass and just rock hipster faces clean off."

Amen brother. The future of rock and roll is here.

Listen:
Art Brut - "Formed A Band"