8+

"A Day (Remix)" by Clan of Xymox which clocks in at 9:12

Hey goth. Heyyyyyy.

Dressed all in black, with the whitest skin on Earth - an "atheist" who has surrounded herself with all manner of crosses and Christian imagery. You are a study in contrast. In public, you only smoke and never eat. Yet there you are: fat vampire. You look a little lumpy. Puffy, rounded edges, and frumpy. Pale with so many (too much) makeups and grumpy. The opposite of spunky. Dumpy. A look of sadness on your face that plainly reads: nobody wanna hump me. Aww. Don't frown! Turn it upside down!

Are you a fat goth, skinny goth, something in between? Is there an in between?? Yeah, there's not. Therefore, EAR FARM is offering all of you pasty whites in need of a bit of "tone in your zone" the perfect afternoon workout - Goth Aerobics!

**while EAR FARM can not take credit for inventing the notion of the Goth Workout, we are perfectly comfortable with claiming to have perfected it by suggesting the following program which we think you'll find to be much more in line with the goth lifestyle than whatever you might see on the previously mentioned site**

EAR FARM's Goth Aerobics
Step 1: be a goth. eat too much, drink too much - OR - eat far too little, don't drink at all, but smoke many clove cigarettes instead. also, dress in black and hide your face from the sun and other people. get shiny things pierced into your skin and highlight everything with black. don't worry, you already do these things - it's why you're here in our program.
Step 2: want to change. this is the most important step. not to want to de-goth your lair (or coffin or castle or whatever), but to want to finally harness your powers of darkness and use them for fitness. repeat after me, for this is our credo: "I will harness my powers of darkness and use them for fitness. I will harness my powers of darkness and use them for fitness. I will harness my powers of darkness and use them for fitness."
Step 3: find a suitably gothy song that's got enough pep in its step to make your body move, make your makeup run, and make your upside down crosses jingle jangle. EAR FARM has made this step extremely simple: see the above song by Clan of Xymox. it moves, it grooves, it's got its own built in cool-down, and it's plenty long enough for even the most "athletic" goth to reach peak heart rate before the song finishes.
Step 4: the workout. let's face it, moving and sweating are not activities that goths excel at; therefore, we'll keep it simple with a four day workout regimen. each day's exercises should be done using the above song, "A Day (Remix)" by Clan of Xymox, as a soundtrack/inspiration.

DAY 1: walk outside, stand in the sun. DAY 2: no really, that's all for DAY 1. it should be more than enough to get your black heart's BPMs up to a satisfactory level. DAY 2: go to your local Hot Topic, but park as far away from the mall as possible. it's a long four hundred foot walk, I know, but the burn you feel (all deep down, where your soul would be if it wasn't so dark and... DARK) is totally going to be worth it. DAY 3: repeat DAY 1. DAY 4: look at yourself in the mirror. egads! the site of your own reflection (if you even have one) should be all you need to vamp up that heart rate and get the remainder of your exercise fix for the week. DAYS 5-7: rest all day, only come out at night.

Step 5: keep up with your EAR FARM Goth Aerobics plan and maybe someday you can move on to the brighter/sexy side of gothdom that is modeling for Halloween Costumes and nudie sites!

*image found HERE.

Buy Clan of Xymox HERE on Amazon or HERE on iTunes.

EAR FARM's 8+ is a weekly feature that showcases songs longer than 8 minutes. In the recent past these songs were featured on EF's 8+:
Built to Spill - "Broken Chairs"
Spacemen 3 - "Big City (Everybody I Know Can Be Found Here)"
Pulp - "Seductive Barry"
Pelican - "March to the Sea"
Jerry Garcia, David Grisman, and Tony Rice - "Guitar Space/Summertime"
Boris - "Flood"
Vieux Farka Touré - "Diabaté"
Morrissey - "Southpaw"

To see a full list of every song featured in EAR FARM's 8+ click HERE.